**Disclaimer: I was supposed to write this last night, but I fell asleep at like 8:45, so…I’m old**
This post is gonna be deep, compared to my other entries, where I try to keep things light and entertaining. There is a topic that has been weighing on me for a few weeks now, and I spend a lot of time thinking about it so I figured I would write about it to get it off my chest, and also to hopefully reach some of you that might be feeling the same way.
Yesterday, I posted this on my Instagram and my personal Facebook page:
I don’t think I can find a better quote that describes how I’ve been feeling lately. So, lets review.
I’m 32 years old. I’m married to a wonderful man who would do anything for me and spoils me beyond belief (I truly don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I’m grateful that he came into my life). We are homeowners. We work hard for what we have. (Matt works harder, lets be honest) We spend most of our time at home, or doing low key things with each other, or by ourselves. We don’t have kids (yet) but I’ve wanted to be a mom my entire life, and nothing would make me happier than to be able to raise children with Matt.
Now. Lets rewind abouttttt…lets say, 5-6 years. I was in my 20’s, I had only been in one serious relationship that didn’t end well, ((last I heard he told somebody “the world would be a better place without her.”)) Wow. Thanks for that. I had more friends than I could ask for, I always had something going on, I never had to worry about being lonely or bored on a Friday or Saturday night. I was going out 6/7 nights a week. Almost every picture I have from that time in my life, I’m either at a bar, drinking with friends, or at some kind of themed party.
Sounds fun, right? Eh. I was irresponsible, made a lot of DUMB decisions, and put my trust, time and energy into friendships and relationships that 100% did not deserve it. I learned quickly this lesson: I forgive WAY to damn easily, I apologize for things that I should NOT be apologizing for, and I was allowing people to walk all over me, pretty much every day of my life. Weird, because from the outside, everybody was my best friend, and I was always happy.
You’re probably wondering by now where this post is leading to, eh? Well. I’ve been taking a lot of time lately to reflect on the last almost 3 years of married life, and the several years before that. I’ve been thinking about all the friendships that I’ve lost, some that were 15+ years long, for reasons that I truly couldn’t even give you. I’ve spent WAY too much time trying to figure out where I went wrong. What was it that I did to make my friendships start falling apart? And what led me to get to this point in my life, where I spend my Saturday nights now reading in bed, or watching Netflix with Matt? Then I realized something….I don’t care, and I’m happy with how my life is.
I’ve made mistakes. I’ve judged. Talked shit. Been mean. Lied to people. Hurt people. And intentionally went out of my way to cause drama.
You know what else I did? I gave more of myself to these friendships, these people, their families, etc, than I did myself. I went out of my way to do little things that might just possibly make their day brighter. I always checked in just to say ‘hi’. I ALWAYS included people, always invited everybody to join me in anything I did. I said yes to any request they had, I shared things with some of these people that not even my family knows about.
All of that stuff went unnoticed, unrecognized and forgotten as soon as we hit a bump in the road, because then I’m just this bitch who said this, or the horrible friend who screwed me over, or the girl who lies to everybody.
Where have all my efforts to keep these friendships going gotten me? Nowhere. I’ve not spoken to these people for a year, 6 months, weeks, who knows…because it seems that these ‘lifelong friends’ have been dropping like flies. All because I was moving on with my life, or I made a small mistake (and believe me, I threw myself down begging for forgiveness, apologized in every way possible and offered SO many chances to just talk).
Taking time out of my day to try and fix these problems was a MISTAKE, let me just tell you. I was apologizing for something and I seriously don’t even know what it was half the time.
Moral of the story. If people don’t want you in their life they will be sure to let you know.
DO NOT waste your time going after them, or begging for forgiveness, and definitely don’t blame yourself, and let yourself get so down about it that you start to believe all the shit that is being said about you.
Do this though. Make your peace with them. Say what you need to say. Then MOVE ON.
Let them be the ones that feel bad or sad when there is no longer a chance to make up or apologize or talk. Let them be the ones who miss you. Let them be the ones who regret how they dealt with things. ((Believe me, I’ve been in this position, and when that friend passed away unexpectedly, I was DEVASTATED beyond words, because we never truly patched up our friendship.))
Life is too damn short to worry about why people don’t like you, or to sit and try to figure out just exactly what it was that YOU did, or why people don’t seem to treat you the same anymore…what’s the point?
Find the people that will give you their time, their respect, and their love and hold on to them because those ones are the ones who will be there for good. And TRUST ME, those are the ones that you want around when you finally make the decision to grow up and start making real life choices.